life

So, yeah.

It was a neg.  I realize that its probably really early to be peeing on any sticks, but I just… my heart dropped.  I’m not going to list out what I’m feeling or what my body might or might not be doing.  Who am I trying to convince anyway?

Dear, whoever.  This is why I believe I am pregnant.  Blah blah blah.  Can you please make it so?

No.  Its pretty pathetic.  Of course, the fact that I’m crying over a stupid strip of paper is possibly indicative of something else, but I still feel like a failure.

Its these moments… these reality check moments where I realize that luck, or whatever, is not with me.  Its these moments where my horrible fear is realized, and I laugh at the ridiculousness of somehow knowing that this was going to be an uphill battle that I might not win, ever, when I was only 17.  I am weak at these moments.  I hate these moments.  I wish I was stronger.

I wont be peeing on anything until Sunday.  Hope I have good news.

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