“There’s a Tiger in the Bathroom”

I spend way too much time in the bathroom.

Not because I actually have to use it, but rather because its a (usually) quiet place where I can hide and kill time by either watching a movie  or playing solitaire on my iPod, or reading.  But, ya know, also because I’m knocked up and springing more leaks than the Titanic.  On a side note, I’m quite possibly the weight of the Titanic, too.

Usually my bathroom related rants are awesome and verbose and generally hilarious and always take place at work.  I focus on one thing and run with it to its awesome conclusion.  Today I have a bunch of shit I need to talk about.

#1) Conversations in the bathroom are bad.  They are 10,000 times worse when one of the participants is actually bare assed, doing their thing.  I cannot be the only one who thinks this.  If I come in, and recognize you, I’ll say, Hi.  And then look down and go to my stall.  Lack of eye contact is universally recognized as, “No.”

Even if I’m not a party to the conversation, I dont wanna hear it.  I dont care.  Take it outside.  And not right in front of the goddamn door, either.  I can still hear you.

#2) People who use seat condoms are the most annoying fucks in the universe.  I wanna say I’ve posted about this before, but I cant find one in the archives.  Seat condoms are those stupid paper slips that you use to cover the toilet with.  Because your precious ass cant possibly be allowed to touch what other people’s asses have touched.  God forbid.

My biggest peeve?  When people walk away before they actually watch the fucking thing flush down the tubes.  So every now and then I’ll come in to pee and have to deal with someone else’s piss stained sheet of crepe paper.  Fuckers.  For a while there I would take the entire box of condoms out of the toilet stall in which I’d located abandoned piss stained crepe paper.  If you dont know how to use it properly, you lose privileges.  Its that simple.

#3) There is this lady who works here.  She is a mutant.  Most of the people here are disgusting, I’m looking at you Coughmeister 3000.  But this lady seriously takes the cake.  She has a face that hits her breasts, which are also down by her knees.  She waddles like a weeble and her hair is a strange mess of frizzly tangles and bald spots.  Ok, I’m not trying to sound like a bully, here, but this woman also bleeds everywhere.  She has peeling, disgustingly cracked skin that flakes off everywhere she goes.  That’s probably a problem, and obviously not like she has a choice in the matter, but its disgusting.

What does this have to do with the bathroom?

For a while there, I used the first stall, the handicapped stall, because it was hella easy to get to quickly.  But I always noticed that there seemed to be, what looked like, flakes from a Butterfinger all over the floor.  Ew.  But whatever.  And then I came in and saw they were all over the seat.  Like, all over the seat.  Disgusting.  Mebee those condom seat people arent entirely nuts.  But then I leaned forward and realized that it wasnt Butterfinger flakes.  It was skin.

There was skin all over the goddamn seat and floor.

The woman came in and scratched herself all over the seat.

And didnt clean it up.

What the good goddamn!?

A co-worker of mine had to share her cube with this lady at one point.  She told our boss that it absolutely couldnt happen again because it was disgustingly unhygienic.  And she’s right.  This woman is a walking health code violation.  Thankfully, we dont work with food, but I have seen her poking her disgusting, gnarly, unwashed fingers into the little cakes, pies, and cookies that some folks leave at the sign-in desk.  I will never touch those things so long as she has breathed on it.  And its not like I’m afraid of germs… it just grosses me out.

I sound like a bully, dont I?  I dont mean to be.

#4) People who use all the counter space at 6am in order to whore themselves up with makeup and perfume.  I wear jeans and flippy floppies with some type of “respectable” (read: not dirty) shirt every day to work.  I put on eyeliner at home and throw my hair in a pony tail.  I still look better than most of the people in my room.  This chick obviously did not work for our directorate.  There is another directorate where I work… and nearly every single woman looks like a painted whore.  A stick insect with blue eyeshadow and red lips.  Who the fuck do you think you’re impressing??  All the men who work here are dorks!

But whatever, just dont commandeer the fucking bathroom at 6am.  There is a locker room for that shit.  Go use it.

Anyway, thats all I got.  I have other shit that pisses me off, of course, but they dont involve the bathroom… and I really need to find another hiding spot other than the bathroom.  Thankfully, I’ll have this kid out of me, at the most, in 17 days, so I wont have to spend so much time going there and being exposed to the unwashed vermin that populate ours.



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