life

Broken Record

Yesterday I was blind sighted by a meeting request that had been sent the day before by my 2nd line sup.  I never got an email and the only reason I knew it was there, was because I was looking at my calendar and the little thingy popped up.  I had 2 hours to prepare.  The subject of this meeting was to discuss the way forward since I’m out of leave.  I wrote down my plan and talked to my boss about it and felt really optimistic about this meeting.

Within 45 seconds of stepping through my division chief’s door, my heart deflated and I was on the verge of tears.

I think I’ve mentioned how horrible crying at work is.  But I cant find that post… are my posts disappearing?

Anyway.

In addition to being accused of attempting to defraud the government (I’m still trying to figure out how I woulda done that…), I was told that insubordination would not be tolerated.

I have been unfailingly calm and even keeled during this entire shitstorm when I have had to talk to my management.  I have absolutely not, at any point, refused to do something that I was asked to do.  I have done nothing but attempt to make this entire crapfest easier to handle on everyone’s parts.  So at what point am I being insubordinate?

I can ignore the fact that this lady told me that pregnancy is not an illness (says the woman who’s never had a kid).  I can ignore the fact that she seemed to gloss over the truth that she is the reason I was negative in the first place.  (Remember that, boys and girls, I was banned from work for 3 days while I proved I didnt have TB)  I can even overlook the way she continually insinuated that this whole thing was entirely my fault and that I was trying to deflect responsibility.  But I will not tolerate being called insubordinate when the only thing contentious that has occurred this week, was my boss yelling at me.  Actually, voice raised, red skin, mad as hell, yelling at me.  I even asked her to calm down.

I wrote this woman today.  I wrote her a pretty long email explaining my, and, apparently the world’s, definition of insubordination.  And how I dont believe that I am guilty of it.  If anything, my work production shows the opposite.  I do nothing but create new ways to make my boss’s life easier.  Make her job more organized.  Help her by taking on every random project she needs a body for.  How is that an example of being disobedient to authority?  A disagreement is not insubordination.

So.

To sum up, I was doing a little better.  And now I’m a whole lot worse.

The only bright light regarding my current place of employment is that the Leave Bank approved my application for it to cover last week’s shenanigans… and I’m no longer in the hole, and really, this renders yesterday’s whole conversation moot and pointless.  But it wont, really.  Monday will come, and I’ll inevitably do something wrong again.  And this whole cycle will start over.  As a fantastic cherry on the shitastic sundae that is this week, my boss neglected to approve my request from the leave bank, yesterday before she left for the weekend.  So while it’s been approved from the leave board, I cant actually use any of it, because she still needs to go in and approve it, herself.  Just goes to show you that I cant trust a thing she says she’ll do.  And this was her idea, in the first place.

I hope things get better.  I really do.  I’m so sad.

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