Shit is Shit

My life right now is fucked up, confusing, and pretty sad. 

And it has nothing to do w/ work.

M and I are separating. 


See, that’s the thing.  I don’t know what’s going on.  I don’t really know what’s in his heart or mind.  I don’t know what the resolution is.  I don’t know if things can be fixed, and I don’t know if I have the patience to wait and see. 

Things have been going downhill after he started hanging out with a friend.  Long story short, she hit on him, I flipped the fuck out, he got defensive and mad, and lalala.  Everything from that point has been shit.  There have been lies, and shouts, and lots of anger.  And I don’t know if we’re too broken to be fixed.

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life pretending to be happy and in a relationship that makes me anxious. 

We’ve both fucked up.  Him more so than me.  At least from my perspective. 

I proposed starting from the beginning.  Getting to know each other again.  Doing things together.  And this also allows him to move out of our bedroom and establish his own life without any interference from me.  We’ll still be great parents and love them with all our hearts, but we’ll be separate people.

It’s hard for me, really.  When we met, we were 18.  My entire adult life surrounds this man and that’s hard.  I’ve pushed back against embracing a hopeless romantic attitude because I didn’t want to get hurt when the shoe fell.  And when he had an emotional affair w/ a girl in Germany, I took that as a sign that my reticence was right and apt.  But I ended up closing off the world, anyway, and made him my everything.  I told friends I couldn’t meet because M would give me shit about being alone.  I would put opportunities on the sidelines because M would be mad that I was leaving him. 

M and I used to make fun of other couples who do shit entirely separate from each other.  “Why even get married?” we’d ask, snarkily.  And then, BAM, I got hit with exactly that request.  He wanted to be able to teach, for free, along w/ doing maybe 3 papers simultaneously, and then on top of that, he wanted to take a freelance job w/ another school.  All of those things kept him away from me and the girls, and left the responsibility solely on me.  I bitched and moaned, but I did it, and I supported him.  I would tell the girls that we were proud of daddy, because he was teaching people new things.  I would build him up in their eyes while I died a little inside.

I was lonely.

I am lonely.

While he was out drinking in a bar w/ his friends, I was taking care of the girls at the house.  While he was working late because he skipped out of work to do something academic, I’d be home with the girls.  I was only ever with the girls. 

And yeah, it was 1 or 2 days a week.  But that shit adds up.  The rest of the week, when he was home, he was distant, constantly talking to his new friends, ignoring me, working on one of his many papers, getting frustrated and taking it out on me.  The romance stopped.  The quality time stopped.  I’d be woken up in the middle of the night to have sex without any build up. 

That’s not fair.

He’d end up bringing up my work trips from when I worked at NGA.  Yeah, those were a couple days long, but they were few and far between.  This is every week.  Sometimes every day in a week.  He supported me during my trips, yes, but leading up to those trips he’d treat me horribly and be spiteful.  I always took him into consideration when people asked me to go somewhere.  I always asked myself, “Would this piss M off?”  With him, it feels like I’m not even in consideration.

How does this get better?  How does this get fixed?  Is everything too fucked up at this point?  Are 11 years of my life w/ someone gone?  It feels like that.  It feels like I’ve been abandoned.  I know he still sleeps next to me, and says he loves me, but really, how does that help the situation? 

He’s moving into the spare bedroom, today.  We’ll see how that goes.  We’ll see what happens from there.

I don’t know what the future brings, but I sure hope things get better from here.  No matter the outcome.


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