After M left me the first time, right after we got married, I hated how vulnerable I had gotten. I was extremely defensive and continuously on alert. I didn’t let anyone get close to me, let alone M. He paid the price for adultery, in those years. But I let my guard down after having the Monkey. One sleepless night we actually held each other and I forgave him for everything that he had done to us. It was cathartic and felt good. 4 years later and we get a divorce.
Today I’m still on the defensive. I think even more so. And, bless him, my boyfriend doesn’t push anything. He recognizes that I’m not 100%. I recognize it too, and don’t spend time agonizing over whether or not I’m showing enough affection. He knows that I’m still a bit of a work in progress. I’m prone to locking up and becoming hardened armor at the slightest show of turbulence. He’s actually experienced it first hand. I hate when I get mushy and emotionally needy and he just smiles and doesn’t bring attention to it when I do find myself letting my guard down for a second. I’ll impulsively just say, “I love you,” or bury my head in his arms, or hold his gaze and pour every ounce of myself into a kiss. And then immediately say something like, “Fuck these ovaries,” or “DRIVE BY AFFECTION”, like I just did now.
It’s sad that I’m still cracked all over. But I’m every day I’m getting better.