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Drive By Affection

After M left me the first time, right after we got married, I hated how vulnerable I had gotten.  I was extremely defensive and continuously on alert.  I didn’t let anyone get close to me, let alone M.  He paid the price for adultery, in those years.  But I let my guard down after having the Monkey.  One sleepless night we actually held each other and I forgave him for everything that he had done to us.  It was cathartic and felt good.  4 years later and we get a divorce.

Today I’m still on the defensive.  I think even more so.  And, bless him, my boyfriend doesn’t push anything.  He recognizes that I’m not 100%.  I recognize it too, and don’t spend time agonizing over whether or not I’m showing enough affection.  He knows that I’m still a bit of a work in progress.  I’m prone to locking up and becoming hardened armor at the slightest show of turbulence.  He’s actually experienced it first hand.  I hate when I get mushy and emotionally needy and he just smiles and doesn’t bring attention to it when I do find myself letting my guard down for a second.  I’ll impulsively just say, “I love you,” or bury my head in his arms, or hold his gaze and pour every ounce of myself into a kiss.  And then immediately say something like, “Fuck these ovaries,” or “DRIVE BY AFFECTION”, like I just did now.

It’s sad that I’m still cracked all over.  But I’m every day I’m getting better.

Discussion

3 responses to ‘Drive By Affection

  1. I’m glad I read this. I still feel this way, after my divorce and even now after getting remarried. It gets better, but never really goes away.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Our hardened armor because a safety blanket that you are afraid to shed. And every minor setback reinforces the anxiety of defense. Good times.

    Like

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  1. On Love and Relationships | The Bitter Bitch (extended)