Funny Supernatural gif notwithstanding, I do. After the epic shitshow that was the imploding of my relationship of 10 years, I was understandably bitter and angry (hence the title of the site). I don’t like to show off my vulnerability, and I’ve already written on that earlier this year. I still have issues with showing what I need from a relationship. And when I do get overwhelmed by this almost painful need to be held and shielded from the world, I treat it sarcastically and pour lemon juice on the festering wound by surrounding myself with sappy stories and chick flicks. Essentially I take the emo route of satisfying this emotional trigger.
Yes, I should mention this to a counselor, but last time I did that I had to disclose it and there’s paperwork involved, and blah blah blah. Work surrounds mental illness and “working through shit” with a horrible stigma that I don’t feel like going into tonight. But right now, you’re my therapist. Saves me the $35 copay.
I was talking to a friend today that the one thing I never counted on was this general whumping of the need for deep emotional connections. Don’t get me wrong, I am very close to my boyfriend, but in such a way that in no way resembles the person I used to be. I’m still holding something back. I’m still very much playing my cards close to my chest. And I don’t know if that’s even fair. Should I be in a monopolizing relationship? Should I, in any way, be selfish like this? For all I know there is someone without the kind of baggage that I come with that’s perfect for him. Should I say something? Should I have this kind of conversation with this other person?
We don’t have that kind of relationship. I find describing it difficult because when I don’t see him often, I miss him, and he I. We get along great and have so much in common. We haven’t gotten into an argument, but how much of that is just me not feeling passionate enough about anything to fight for it? I don’t yearn. Isn’t that a fairly big basic tenant of any relationship?
In my mind, and with my experience, there are three ways to have sex. There is a) Fucking (which needs no explanation), there is b) Having Sex, and then there is c) Making Love. Yeah, I said it. Eat me. Each category is up to every single person’s individual definition, but I have yet to have sexual intercourse with this person that falls in the category of lovemaking. And this is what I miss.
I feel desired. I feel sexy and wanted. But I don’t feel needed, and that, ladies and gentlemen, is the big goddamn difference. This is a fantastic relationship, on paper and in person. But there’s that added layer of complexity that I’m missing. That makes something really ingrained in a life. And I’m not there. It’s very possible that this person is totally giving out those vibes, but I’m not picking them up for one reason or another. And that’s sad. But I’m not feeling it.
What the hell does that even mean? Does it have to mean anything? I guess if I were aromantic it wouldn’t be a big deal, but I’m not. I need romance. I need to feel needed. I need to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that this other person is really in love with me. Not just a fantastic buddy. Not just enamored with the idea of companionship. I don’t want a companion. I have two. I call them my children.
I get the feeling that the answer is staring me right in the face.