Spn did some good costuming and tied up the back of the gown.  Otherwise, we’d have a nice little view going on.

I was supposed to have surgery next week.

I’m not.

Turns out, the surgeon never reserved the hospital shit that he needs to do… which doesn’t instill much confidence in a shitton of things, but it’s a little late in the process to go searching for a new doctor.

So, yeah.  No surgery next week, and to be quite honest, I have no idea when it’s getting moved to.  It seems like it should be a fucking easy thing to do.  You got a few hours?  Slice open this lady right here, reconnect some tubes, staple and sew shit shut, and be home by dinner.

This uncertainty is fucking with  my anxiety.  And that’s a fucking understatement.

I don’t handle stress well.  Never have.  But to then be flying completely blind as to what you’re doing week to week?  I’ve had more ativan in the past 2 days then I have in an entire month.  And it’s all due to random panic episodes in which I think just a little too hard about my future.  And that’s bullshit.  I shouldn’t have to feel this way.

I have a doctor’s appointment scheduled for Friday.  I have no idea why I should keep it since I’m not even being fixed next Wednesday.  I did my pre-op shit with my primary care doc because I was told to do so, and now I’m probably going to have to fucking do it again.

Work would also like to be kept in the loop.  I do things.  I have meetings to run and people to train and I have nothing to tell these people other than, “I have nothing to tell you.”

Oh, and don’t even get me started on  having to tell my ex husband.  I talk to him as little as humanly possible, and now I have to tell him NOT to take the girls next thursday, that I’m not having surgery yet and that no, i don’t have another date to give him.  It’s annoying.


I hate having absolutely no control over my life.


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