I was supposed to have surgery next week.
Turns out, the surgeon never reserved the hospital shit that he needs to do… which doesn’t instill much confidence in a shitton of things, but it’s a little late in the process to go searching for a new doctor.
So, yeah. No surgery next week, and to be quite honest, I have no idea when it’s getting moved to. It seems like it should be a fucking easy thing to do. You got a few hours? Slice open this lady right here, reconnect some tubes, staple and sew shit shut, and be home by dinner.
This uncertainty is fucking with my anxiety. And that’s a fucking understatement.
I don’t handle stress well. Never have. But to then be flying completely blind as to what you’re doing week to week? I’ve had more ativan in the past 2 days then I have in an entire month. And it’s all due to random panic episodes in which I think just a little too hard about my future. And that’s bullshit. I shouldn’t have to feel this way.
I have a doctor’s appointment scheduled for Friday. I have no idea why I should keep it since I’m not even being fixed next Wednesday. I did my pre-op shit with my primary care doc because I was told to do so, and now I’m probably going to have to fucking do it again.
Work would also like to be kept in the loop. I do things. I have meetings to run and people to train and I have nothing to tell these people other than, “I have nothing to tell you.”
Oh, and don’t even get me started on having to tell my ex husband. I talk to him as little as humanly possible, and now I have to tell him NOT to take the girls next thursday, that I’m not having surgery yet and that no, i don’t have another date to give him. It’s annoying.
I hate having absolutely no control over my life.