Life - General

On Fic and Online Dating

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Whenever I start reading Destiel fic, or Cockles fic, or any kind of romantic story whatsoever, I start to feel lonely.  I start to feel like I’m missing a very integral part of my life.  I read the words on the screen about kissing, touching. gentle gestures that indicate love; so much more than just carnal sex.  I miss those things.

Don’t get me wrong; I can get laid.  If it were just a need to fuck someone, I can take care of that pretty quickly.  What I miss are hugs, cuddles, small little things that make me feel safe enough to trust someone.

And I fucking hate it.

I’ve already written ad nauseum about how I can’t trust people and yet wish I could.  About how every now and then I get this ridiculous urge to embrace love and sappy shit.  And how I really really fucking hate feeling vulnerable.

I love reading Supernatural based fic.  But every time I do I end up feeling jealous of their relationships.

I’m not in a place to be in any kind of romantic situation, right now.  For one, I’m recovering from major damn surgery.  For two, my body is currently undergoing a shrinking fit.  I’m not usually self conscious, but I don’t want someone to watch me go through this transformation.  I don’t want someone worrying about me.  I have parents for that.

Online dating is a cesspool of doubt and douches.  I say that with all of the love in my heart for my friends who have found love via online dating.  I even have a friend who met his wife on OKCupid.  Awesome for them!  For me, it’s useless.

For instance.  This one dude messaged me and seemed kinda nice.  I started talking to him but then went to bed.  Dude actually told me off because I didn’t respond within a certain timeframe.  I told him off for being rude.  A few weeks later he writes me again all, “What’s up?” as if nothing ever happened.  I told him off again, and he apologized.  But now he keeps writing as though we’re awesome buddies.  What the everlasting fuck?  I hate people.

If I really felt like spending an hour and a half crafting a new profile, I could try eHarmony or one of the other big names, but it’s just so much effort to recreate one.

Ugh.

I guess that means I’m not really serious about the whole thing.  *shrug*  Maybe I’ll just go back to my fic and pinning away for the day when I can curl up in someone’s nook and fall asleep.

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