Whenever I start reading Destiel fic, or Cockles fic, or any kind of romantic story whatsoever, I start to feel lonely. I start to feel like I’m missing a very integral part of my life. I read the words on the screen about kissing, touching. gentle gestures that indicate love; so much more than just carnal sex. I miss those things.
Don’t get me wrong; I can get laid. If it were just a need to fuck someone, I can take care of that pretty quickly. What I miss are hugs, cuddles, small little things that make me feel safe enough to trust someone.
And I fucking hate it.
I’ve already written ad nauseum about how I can’t trust people and yet wish I could. About how every now and then I get this ridiculous urge to embrace love and sappy shit. And how I really really fucking hate feeling vulnerable.
I love reading Supernatural based fic. But every time I do I end up feeling jealous of their relationships.
I’m not in a place to be in any kind of romantic situation, right now. For one, I’m recovering from major damn surgery. For two, my body is currently undergoing a shrinking fit. I’m not usually self conscious, but I don’t want someone to watch me go through this transformation. I don’t want someone worrying about me. I have parents for that.
Online dating is a cesspool of doubt and douches. I say that with all of the love in my heart for my friends who have found love via online dating. I even have a friend who met his wife on OKCupid. Awesome for them! For me, it’s useless.
For instance. This one dude messaged me and seemed kinda nice. I started talking to him but then went to bed. Dude actually told me off because I didn’t respond within a certain timeframe. I told him off for being rude. A few weeks later he writes me again all, “What’s up?” as if nothing ever happened. I told him off again, and he apologized. But now he keeps writing as though we’re awesome buddies. What the everlasting fuck? I hate people.
If I really felt like spending an hour and a half crafting a new profile, I could try eHarmony or one of the other big names, but it’s just so much effort to recreate one.
I guess that means I’m not really serious about the whole thing. *shrug* Maybe I’ll just go back to my fic and pinning away for the day when I can curl up in someone’s nook and fall asleep.